Happy Birthday to me! Today, in celebration of my 36th birthday, I want to reflect on my journey thus far...in life, business, and especially motherhood. I'm so incredibly grateful for the wonderful 36 years I've had here so far. I've been especially reflective on the last 10 years, as those are the ones where I've been a mom and have felt the most transformation in myself. These two pictures pretty accurately depict my motherhood journey so far, let me explain...
A few months ago, I found myself elbow deep in dismantling our daughters' crib, for the last time. This crib has seen its share of assembly and disassembly over the years, between multiple children, rooms, and houses. As I sat taking this crib down for it's last time in this phase of my life, the tears began to flow. It was one of the strangest moments of awareness I've ever had. As I sat there crying, alone, I knew in the moment exactly why I was crying and it wasn't what you may expect. Yes, the bittersweet milestones of your children growing up will always bring on the waterworks, and a few tears may have been for that. But the majority were for me. I couldn't help but think of how I was saying goodbye to the person who put her firstborn daughter down in that crib 10 years ago so full of fear and uncertainty, for her baby, but also for herself.
I'm beginning to understand why a mid-life crisis occurs when it does, after the haze of the early child rearing phase starts to lift. However, I don't feel crisis accurately explains the process, assuming that's where I've been the last couple years. It's more of an awakening, a rebuilding, an awareness, and a large part of acceptance. I find it's best to acknowledge where we've traveled so far on the journey to get us to this place...
We've lived the first chunk of life purely in survival mode, how do we act like a human amongst these other humans? The next phase is where you think you kind of have things figured out (but you really don't). The next chapter may or may not involve bringing offspring into this world. If that's the case for you, as it has been for me, there's a deep fog that sets in for those early years of being a parent. Where it becomes blatantly obvious you have no idea what you're doing. Then the fog starts to lift. I'm guessing this varies for many people but has a strong correlation to where they are in their parenthood journey. This is where I've found myself the last few years. Feeling a little dazed, unsure of what comes next, but having a pretty good idea of what I DON'T want to spend any more energy on. So again, not exactly a crisis, but an awakening.
Back to the crib disassembly, where I was thinking of 26 year-old me as a mom, and 28-year-old me as a mom, and so on. I look back at pictures of myself during those days, especially the first year with each of the girls, and have such empathy for that version of me. Most of those moments I don't remember in great detail, if at all. There just isn't enough room in our memory banks to store all of that info, and maybe for good reason. Because I also see someone who was so extremely tired, and unsure, and just operating in survival mode. What I do remember though is trying my very best to absorb each of those moments when I was in them, knowing they wouldn't last. And feeling as though it was all building toward something. I truly believe parenthood lends a sense of urgency to the transformation we all must go through on our respective life journeys. Where we arrive to this "mid-life" milestone and decide what fits us best and what no longer serves us.
So here's what I've learned and have accepted to be true for me. Trying to please other people with my accomplishments or achievements will never fulfill me. Making choices to exceed expectations or prove I'm capable to others will only leave me feeling empty. And most importantly, NO ONE, will create the life of my dreams for me, except me. One piece at a time, I'm trying new puzzle pieces to see what fits best for me. Much like my daughter's room transformed into the picture on the right above, I'm in the middle of making something beautiful, built for me, by me.
Whether it's in this business, my family, or my community. I fully commit to being awake and present from here on out. To living with intention and purpose, and hopefully inspiring others to do the same. We each get this one wild and crazy ride, so let's make sure we are living it for us.
After I completed my first house flip two years ago I went and got this tattoo of a key. It's a daily reminder to myself...I am the key to my own happiness, health, and fulfillment. No one else can live it for me, nor would I want them to. I'm taking full control and am determined to live with intention each day. And as my daughter would say, I'm so, so, so proud of myself.
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